"Like Steve McQueen...
All I need's a fast machine"
And I've finally got mine back! Hallelujah!
Mental health has been restored. Weight off shoulders. Life has begun again. I went out yesterday, and was part of the world again, visible, interactive, HUMAN. Amen.
Still no wheels
Been stuck at home since Friday night. Losing mind. Send help. Gaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!
The Good, The Bad, The Fugly
The Bad: Well, I thought my car was fixed anyway. Not so fast mon ami. Don't break out the champagne sez me to me. I jumped the gun on my exuberant announcement of triumph over my hunk of almost worthless machinery. Shortly after I declared victory my car stalled out again. Now it's back to the shop I go, through the woods and far away, just like the way to grandma's house, and there's a wolf with his hand out at the other end. Tra la la. So, it's with the boneheaded mechanic again. Quelle Surprise! I hope I will get it back tomorrow -- truly and completely and finally fixed, or there is gonna be some serious shape-shifting going on, and little red (non-)riding hood here is gonna turn into the BIG BAD WOLF!
The Good: I am still a smitten kitten. I feel compelled to write about my good fortune, yet I worry that the sap quotient will be so high that all of you will be running for the nearest bucket to wretch, or frantically seeking shots of insulin. I will try to contain myself, in this forum at least. I will say this much: I really like this awesome person, and by a stroke of good luck, kismet, fate, and by the hand of Divine Intervention, he likes me back. I feel like a lucky girl, even though my life, in parts, has been rather luckless as of late. The fact is, as frustrating as it is to be living in different states and never having met in person, I may stand to get a lot luckier when we do meet. The prospect of going from really good to a whole lot better is a happy one. I feel only hopefulness when I think of us.
The Fugly: Okay, there is really no fuggliness to speak of, it was just a fun subject heading. Fuggin fergive me OK?P.S. I have just come to the conclusion that my blog does not do me justice. Dammit, I am more interesting than this, I just know I am! Writing here makes me feel stilted and self-conscious. I just can't bring the fun. Oh well, this may just not be my ideal format for self expression. Maybe my best is in my real paper journal, or in my artwork, but I suspect that my best is in living.
At last...
After a mostly thankless summer, my favorite season has arrived, and with it, a feeling of long sought hope; something I have lacked for some time now.
I have my car back again, but this time after almost a month in the shop, it's finally actually really and truly fixed. Phew. I am relieved and ecstatic. Life on Long Island without transportation is like being stranded on the island of misfit toys.
My exile now at an end, I am turning my attention to getting my freaking life truly together. It's not gonna be easy, because I am starting from the bare ground up, and trying to learn how to build a foundation.
What I have come to cherish this summer (even more than I already did) are my friends. They have kept me semi-sane during a time in my life where I was often too close to drawing on the walls of a padded cell with a crayon between my toes.
I also have had one special person that, even from afar, has fired my imagination, my heart and my loins. I am deeply grateful to him for more than I can truly express. He has caused me to begin to believe in myself once again. He has inspired me to try again; to try, no matter what the outcome, to try and be willing to fail, to try and be open to succeeding. I believe in him, and so, if he sees so much good in me, I must try to see myself through his eyes more and believe in myself again.
I can't even put his full impact in my life into words, at least not here (there is much I reveal only to my real journal). This is merely my public tribute to him, a pale token of his true meaning to me. He is a Prince to me, in a world that has mostly lost the pure essence of nobility, as well as honor, chivalry, and manhood.
I know we are two rarities meeting, and I don't take it for granted at any moment. The day still lies ahead of us where we will meet face to face, and then, the story will truly begin in earnest. Right now, we are still in the prologue to Act One, but it is an auspicious beginning.
Postscript: Of course I swore I would not seek a relationship again, let alone another long distance one, but I didn't go looking for this, it found me, and after being friends for a while (I met him before I even met my now ex-bf D.) I could no longer deny that I was being drawn in further. I was not pulled in, nor pushed in, I just began to sink into it, like one does a comfortable bed after a long day, where it just feels irresistible, and you know, deep down, that you are home.
my nights are lonely...
"Wandering Stars, for whom it is reserved, the blackness, the darkness... forever..."~ The Bible
by way of Portishead
Semi
Things haven't been all bad lately, but some things have been kind of poo-ey. Namely my car, which is still not fixed. I will be sans vehicle over the long weekend. I will have some friends coming around, but still, I would like to be able to get around myself. Oh well.Aside from that, this week has included various crafting, TV, naps, cat bonding sessions, cooking, etc. Nothing too earth shattering. I have not been all that motivated to write here, because everything that really matters is in my head, where it should stay. I haven't even written much in my real journal; ya know, the kind made of paper. I'm internal now. It's okay. I'll be something else tomorrow. I always am.I feel like I'm longing for something, or someone, but it's a nameless dull ache.
