Days in the Life...
Sometimes my life seems far too complicated to write about in blog form. I have a lot of layers in my life. That's why I think I haven't posted in a few days. I am wondering if I can even keep up a consistent blog. I can try. I just don't know.
Things change quickly and often for me. For instance, I got my car back on Thursday evening, and all seemed well for a while. By Monday, I broke down on a busy road, and the car was very reluctant to start again. After ten or so tries, it finally started, only to stall again about a 1/2 mile down the road. This has been going on all summer. More than $500. has been spent on these repairs. Not to mention the other $300. that was spent to get my car up to inspection approval at the start of the summer. I feel like my car is just eating money, and I wish I could afford to buy a new one, but I can't at the moment. Tomorrow, I have to get it back into the shop again, which means I will probably be without it for the rest of the week. I heave a weary sigh at the mere thought of it.
I am trying to keep my spirits up, in any and all of the ways I know how. I know I have it better than so many people in this world. I don't want to complain. I just feel a bit bummed out about this.
I went to a party this weekend. It was a mixed bag. The party was fun, and I actually meet some interesting new people, and had some good conversations, but toward the end of the night I was accosted by a drunken scumbag who wanted to discuss my weight with me. It left me feeling pretty infuriated. I don't even feel like telling the whole story. It just reminded me of how much people think they are entitled to offer their opinions on my body. It was invasive, and violating. It was part "intervention" from a total stranger, and part drunken come-on that he thought I'd welcome, as if he was doing me a favor. If he was the last man on earth and I was a size 2 I wouldn't have been interested in him because he was a gross sloppy drunken hippie in a dirty tie dye tshirt; he was facially and physically unattractive, and he had the personality of a slug. But of course, he thought I'd be grateful for his attentions and his unsolicited opinions, because, after all I'm a fat woman, and I'm supposed to be receptive to any sort of attention, cos as everyone knows I don't deserve any at all! He couldn't have been more wrong about what I thought of his attentions. He informed me that he was going to kiss me and I told him he'd better not. He told me there was a guy out there for me somewhere, and I told him that not only don't I believe that anymore, but that I am taking a complete break from dating anyway. He then assumed that my last boyfriend broke up with me because I am fat. Now I was really pissed, and I told him: "Not that it's any of your business, but you really shouldn't assume things about people, my ex-boyfriend happens to prefer larger women, his last girlfriend was fat, his next girlfriend will be fat, and I'm fat, it just doesn't matter!" He was kind of stunned. He talked a whole lot of other smack about how he's been on suicide watch for the last 2-3 years, so I turned the tables on him and his flaws, and asked him why that is. He told me it's cos he can't find the right girl. I had to stop myself from laughing in his face. He was a detestable man, of course he can't find a woman. He already tried to kiss one girl against her will as she was leaving, and made a nasty comment to another girl about how he wanted to "gang bang" her with another man that was present at the party. He was beyond yuck.
Yet, the things he said bothered me. Not because I give a damn about his opinion of me, but because people like him think they have the right to confront me about my life, my self, and my body. I mean if anyone on earth needs an intervention, it's his drunken deluded suicidal ass. But even a total worm like that thought he was superior to me, and could feel free to make comments. It just makes me realize that no matter how much dignity I attempt to carry myself with, there will always be people like him who think they have a right to get in my face about my size. Next time, I will just walk away. I think I was so shocked, and it was so late at night, well, early in the morning really, and I was so tired that I just sat there and answered him, even though a right hook to his jaw would have been the much more appropriate response (even though I would never hit someone no matter how much of a jerk they are, a guy like that makes me have a fantasy wish that I had slugged him or thrown a drink in his face).
Sunday I slept all day because I got home at 5:30am (yes, it was an all nighter party). I woke up around 6pm, and I went to church that night. It rocked. It was a really good night. Well, except for the kid in the row in front of me who was fiddling with his cell phone during the service and distracting me. He kept flipping it closed and open and the light would shine right in my eye, and he was scrolling through his menus, and it was making beeping noises, and then there were two other people whose cell's rang during the service! I swear cell phones have become a curse, even church time is not peaceful and exempt from the madness, I mean, if you HAVE to have your cell phone on, at least put it on vibrate and don't disturb other people who are there to actually spend time with God, and not just warm a seat. Aarrrrgghh!
I think that part of the problem is that the evening service is geared to teens and twenties, and they just don't have the maturity to turn off their phones and/or they are bored (like the fiddling kid). The service is for all ages though, and although it skews younger, families, couples, and individuals of all ages go to the service, because some, like me, just prefer a night service. Plus, the band is louder at night and it's considered more "caffeinated worship" (there is a warning issued that the amps go to 11 like spinal tap, so if you don't like it loud, just go to morning service). The cell fiddler kid was there with his Mother, and she wasn't saying anything to him. I'm sorry, but if that was my kid, I would have taken the phone away from him and put it in my handbag until the service was over if he couldn't stop playing with it, and distracting other people. The couple sitting next to them also kept looking over, and getting really upset cos they were having trouble paying attention to the pastor, just like I was. Perhaps I will just have to go to the morning service that is more geared to adults, or sit right in the front in the evening service. Aside from that, it was a great service. I know, that was a lot of complaining, but it's hard enough for me to concentrate. I have A.D.D. traits, and it can be very difficult for me to stay focused when stuff like that is happening.
See, this is why I don't blog. I end up focusing more on the things that bugged me over the last few days, and that just seems so negative. Those are the things that stick out in my mind though. Those may just be the things I need to vent about, which is why they come out in the blog. I dunno, I just feel like it's going to seem so negative to write about all this stuff though.
OK, I gotta close with something positive. Even though my car did break down on the way there, I managed to finally get to the church on Monday night; which was really important to me, because they were having an artist's night. It's based on the premise of "creating for The Creator". I really wanted to be there. They had one such night a few months back, but my car was in the garage. Ironically, this time, my car died on the way there, but somehow, truly on a wing & a prayer I made it there, despite the trouble on the way. I created a piece of art work I am very happy with. When I pulled in the church driveway I was on the verge of tears because of finding out that yet again, my car is not fully fixed, and not okay, but once I calmed down, I told myself to put it out of my mind entirely, and throw myself into connection with The Divine, and doing the art. The car woes could wait until I left the church. When I came out, I got in the car and it started right away. I drove off, and prayed as I went home. I was able to stop for gas, and turn off the car, and turn it back on again at the station. I drove the rest of the way in faith. I made it home safely. In the face of my car woes, I had still been able to shift my mood and create, and make something as an act of worship toward God that I am also very proud of as a piece of art. So, that was the best part of my day yesterday.
Today was a pretty good day. I did some organizing and hanging up of clothes in my room, then took a shower, and got ready to go out. My dad picked me up in the evening and we went shopping and out to dinner. I got a few very nice items at the store, I got three packages of funky fabric drawers for my 2nd wire mesh cubby drawer unit that I am going to set up in my bedroom as a dresser of sorts (each package has 3 drawers, so I am set with 9 drawers now). I also got a really lovely raspberry colored blanket that is so soft I can't even describe the material. Lastly, I got a really cool black shirt that I can't quite describe, but it's unique, and sort of has the shape of a corset front, very gothic, sorta sexy in a subdued way. Then after we were both tuckered out from shopping, we had an awesome Italian dinner. I had some salad, awesome garlic knots and bruschetta, Penne Ala Vodka, and for dessert we shared a piece of Creme Brulee Cheesecake with thick chewy Caramel top. Oh, and some very good coffee with dessert. Yum.
Came home, and watched "Workout" on Bravo. It's a reality show about a trainer, Jackie, who has opened an exclusive gym in Beverly Hills. In this episode Jackie finally ditched her psycho girlfriend. The girl was a pretty Latina spit-fire but she had to go. She was actually biting and slapping Jackie, and threw a glass at her head. Enough. A little too hot tamale!
Then I watched the Actor's Studio because Queen Latifah was the guest. I love da Queen.
I think that is really about it for me. It's a bit past 3am, so, sleeping soon would be a good idea. Dat's all she wrote.
P.S. I just realized I didn't write about the huge family problems that have been brewing. That's definitely a result of subconscious avoidance. It's not a pleasant topic, to say the least. The fact that I wrote about what TV shows I watched over the harassing calls from my brother and bitch-in-law tells me how much I hate even thinking about it. Basically, they have a beef with my Dad and are trying to drag me down in the mud too. I won't have it. The bitch-in-law called three times yesterday, hello, I have a life too, I was out stalling my car, and trying to get somewhere. If I don't call her back, she just keeps calling me at home and on my cell. Mind you this is a woman who never lets me see my two nieces, and never calls me unless she wants to try to drag me into something, and yet she expects me to want to call her back. Why should I? Especially since I know exactly how the conversation is going to go, and that it will take over an hour at the least to get her off the phone. My brother is the same way; we have minus zero relationship, and I could be dead or alive, he would never know, but if he wants me on his side against my Father, he will call me up and try to wring my veins till he gets blood. It's not enough that he abused me in myriad ways all my life, he also wants me to listen to his mad rantings and agree with him? Sorry, no can do mon frere.
Things change quickly and often for me. For instance, I got my car back on Thursday evening, and all seemed well for a while. By Monday, I broke down on a busy road, and the car was very reluctant to start again. After ten or so tries, it finally started, only to stall again about a 1/2 mile down the road. This has been going on all summer. More than $500. has been spent on these repairs. Not to mention the other $300. that was spent to get my car up to inspection approval at the start of the summer. I feel like my car is just eating money, and I wish I could afford to buy a new one, but I can't at the moment. Tomorrow, I have to get it back into the shop again, which means I will probably be without it for the rest of the week. I heave a weary sigh at the mere thought of it.
I am trying to keep my spirits up, in any and all of the ways I know how. I know I have it better than so many people in this world. I don't want to complain. I just feel a bit bummed out about this.
I went to a party this weekend. It was a mixed bag. The party was fun, and I actually meet some interesting new people, and had some good conversations, but toward the end of the night I was accosted by a drunken scumbag who wanted to discuss my weight with me. It left me feeling pretty infuriated. I don't even feel like telling the whole story. It just reminded me of how much people think they are entitled to offer their opinions on my body. It was invasive, and violating. It was part "intervention" from a total stranger, and part drunken come-on that he thought I'd welcome, as if he was doing me a favor. If he was the last man on earth and I was a size 2 I wouldn't have been interested in him because he was a gross sloppy drunken hippie in a dirty tie dye tshirt; he was facially and physically unattractive, and he had the personality of a slug. But of course, he thought I'd be grateful for his attentions and his unsolicited opinions, because, after all I'm a fat woman, and I'm supposed to be receptive to any sort of attention, cos as everyone knows I don't deserve any at all! He couldn't have been more wrong about what I thought of his attentions. He informed me that he was going to kiss me and I told him he'd better not. He told me there was a guy out there for me somewhere, and I told him that not only don't I believe that anymore, but that I am taking a complete break from dating anyway. He then assumed that my last boyfriend broke up with me because I am fat. Now I was really pissed, and I told him: "Not that it's any of your business, but you really shouldn't assume things about people, my ex-boyfriend happens to prefer larger women, his last girlfriend was fat, his next girlfriend will be fat, and I'm fat, it just doesn't matter!" He was kind of stunned. He talked a whole lot of other smack about how he's been on suicide watch for the last 2-3 years, so I turned the tables on him and his flaws, and asked him why that is. He told me it's cos he can't find the right girl. I had to stop myself from laughing in his face. He was a detestable man, of course he can't find a woman. He already tried to kiss one girl against her will as she was leaving, and made a nasty comment to another girl about how he wanted to "gang bang" her with another man that was present at the party. He was beyond yuck.
Yet, the things he said bothered me. Not because I give a damn about his opinion of me, but because people like him think they have the right to confront me about my life, my self, and my body. I mean if anyone on earth needs an intervention, it's his drunken deluded suicidal ass. But even a total worm like that thought he was superior to me, and could feel free to make comments. It just makes me realize that no matter how much dignity I attempt to carry myself with, there will always be people like him who think they have a right to get in my face about my size. Next time, I will just walk away. I think I was so shocked, and it was so late at night, well, early in the morning really, and I was so tired that I just sat there and answered him, even though a right hook to his jaw would have been the much more appropriate response (even though I would never hit someone no matter how much of a jerk they are, a guy like that makes me have a fantasy wish that I had slugged him or thrown a drink in his face).
Sunday I slept all day because I got home at 5:30am (yes, it was an all nighter party). I woke up around 6pm, and I went to church that night. It rocked. It was a really good night. Well, except for the kid in the row in front of me who was fiddling with his cell phone during the service and distracting me. He kept flipping it closed and open and the light would shine right in my eye, and he was scrolling through his menus, and it was making beeping noises, and then there were two other people whose cell's rang during the service! I swear cell phones have become a curse, even church time is not peaceful and exempt from the madness, I mean, if you HAVE to have your cell phone on, at least put it on vibrate and don't disturb other people who are there to actually spend time with God, and not just warm a seat. Aarrrrgghh!
I think that part of the problem is that the evening service is geared to teens and twenties, and they just don't have the maturity to turn off their phones and/or they are bored (like the fiddling kid). The service is for all ages though, and although it skews younger, families, couples, and individuals of all ages go to the service, because some, like me, just prefer a night service. Plus, the band is louder at night and it's considered more "caffeinated worship" (there is a warning issued that the amps go to 11 like spinal tap, so if you don't like it loud, just go to morning service). The cell fiddler kid was there with his Mother, and she wasn't saying anything to him. I'm sorry, but if that was my kid, I would have taken the phone away from him and put it in my handbag until the service was over if he couldn't stop playing with it, and distracting other people. The couple sitting next to them also kept looking over, and getting really upset cos they were having trouble paying attention to the pastor, just like I was. Perhaps I will just have to go to the morning service that is more geared to adults, or sit right in the front in the evening service. Aside from that, it was a great service. I know, that was a lot of complaining, but it's hard enough for me to concentrate. I have A.D.D. traits, and it can be very difficult for me to stay focused when stuff like that is happening.
See, this is why I don't blog. I end up focusing more on the things that bugged me over the last few days, and that just seems so negative. Those are the things that stick out in my mind though. Those may just be the things I need to vent about, which is why they come out in the blog. I dunno, I just feel like it's going to seem so negative to write about all this stuff though.
OK, I gotta close with something positive. Even though my car did break down on the way there, I managed to finally get to the church on Monday night; which was really important to me, because they were having an artist's night. It's based on the premise of "creating for The Creator". I really wanted to be there. They had one such night a few months back, but my car was in the garage. Ironically, this time, my car died on the way there, but somehow, truly on a wing & a prayer I made it there, despite the trouble on the way. I created a piece of art work I am very happy with. When I pulled in the church driveway I was on the verge of tears because of finding out that yet again, my car is not fully fixed, and not okay, but once I calmed down, I told myself to put it out of my mind entirely, and throw myself into connection with The Divine, and doing the art. The car woes could wait until I left the church. When I came out, I got in the car and it started right away. I drove off, and prayed as I went home. I was able to stop for gas, and turn off the car, and turn it back on again at the station. I drove the rest of the way in faith. I made it home safely. In the face of my car woes, I had still been able to shift my mood and create, and make something as an act of worship toward God that I am also very proud of as a piece of art. So, that was the best part of my day yesterday.
Today was a pretty good day. I did some organizing and hanging up of clothes in my room, then took a shower, and got ready to go out. My dad picked me up in the evening and we went shopping and out to dinner. I got a few very nice items at the store, I got three packages of funky fabric drawers for my 2nd wire mesh cubby drawer unit that I am going to set up in my bedroom as a dresser of sorts (each package has 3 drawers, so I am set with 9 drawers now). I also got a really lovely raspberry colored blanket that is so soft I can't even describe the material. Lastly, I got a really cool black shirt that I can't quite describe, but it's unique, and sort of has the shape of a corset front, very gothic, sorta sexy in a subdued way. Then after we were both tuckered out from shopping, we had an awesome Italian dinner. I had some salad, awesome garlic knots and bruschetta, Penne Ala Vodka, and for dessert we shared a piece of Creme Brulee Cheesecake with thick chewy Caramel top. Oh, and some very good coffee with dessert. Yum.
Came home, and watched "Workout" on Bravo. It's a reality show about a trainer, Jackie, who has opened an exclusive gym in Beverly Hills. In this episode Jackie finally ditched her psycho girlfriend. The girl was a pretty Latina spit-fire but she had to go. She was actually biting and slapping Jackie, and threw a glass at her head. Enough. A little too hot tamale!
Then I watched the Actor's Studio because Queen Latifah was the guest. I love da Queen.
I think that is really about it for me. It's a bit past 3am, so, sleeping soon would be a good idea. Dat's all she wrote.
P.S. I just realized I didn't write about the huge family problems that have been brewing. That's definitely a result of subconscious avoidance. It's not a pleasant topic, to say the least. The fact that I wrote about what TV shows I watched over the harassing calls from my brother and bitch-in-law tells me how much I hate even thinking about it. Basically, they have a beef with my Dad and are trying to drag me down in the mud too. I won't have it. The bitch-in-law called three times yesterday, hello, I have a life too, I was out stalling my car, and trying to get somewhere. If I don't call her back, she just keeps calling me at home and on my cell. Mind you this is a woman who never lets me see my two nieces, and never calls me unless she wants to try to drag me into something, and yet she expects me to want to call her back. Why should I? Especially since I know exactly how the conversation is going to go, and that it will take over an hour at the least to get her off the phone. My brother is the same way; we have minus zero relationship, and I could be dead or alive, he would never know, but if he wants me on his side against my Father, he will call me up and try to wring my veins till he gets blood. It's not enough that he abused me in myriad ways all my life, he also wants me to listen to his mad rantings and agree with him? Sorry, no can do mon frere.
posted by scribe at 8/22/2006
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